A day for the Phantomhive
by Cracktards
Summary: It was just a regular day for Ciel and Company. Ciel was ordering Sebastian around, Finian was in the garden, and a peculiar visitor had decided to visit the manor. Who was this visitor? Where were the other servants? Go ahead and read...if you dare. O.o


"Sebastian! Come here! Noaw!" Ciel screamed like a school girl who had just found an adorable plush.

"You rang, young lord?" Sebastian said while wearing a slightly unnerving smile.

"Help me! I'm going to bleed to death!" Ciel said in a frenzy.

Sebastian looked at Ciel rather oddly, "Did you start your period?"

"GRRRR….yes, I most certainly did," Ciel exclaimed all the while blinking his long ebony eyelashes furiously.

"I'm feeling bloated, irritated, ugly, fat, and lonely, and I crave chocolate! Get me some chocolate biznatch like rite away manwhore, or I will castrate you with an iron pipe rusting with French fry oil!"

"Oh, that sounds lovely," the akuma kitsune tenshi butler drawled as he took out a pitchfork.

"AHHH! No wait!" Ciel said while placing his hand in Sebastian's face.

"…what is it young master?"

Ciel moved his hand near his face and acted as if he was going to faint, "I cannot bear it anymore! You are much too sexy to just look at! Remove your clothing, and help a sistah out!"

"Much obliged sir, the fan girls would expect no less. Now make haste with your cummerbund, for the house servants will be returning in a short while," Sebby-chan informed the little bochann kitsune tenshi kaizoku smexxi shota thingy.

"Okay, dog but where shall we have our sexcapade? Surely an ordinary location such as my office would not suffice in the least, eh twat face?" Ciel asked.

"Of course not my beautiful whore biscuit! For today's shag, I have decided on the rose garden, with the tender songs of humming birds floating above our heads as we go on with our business," Sebastian said as his wang swung from side to side all while he walked towards the garden.

Ciel followed Sebastian until they were hidden from the rest of the servants, "Wait!"

"What is it now young master?" Sebastian said in a slightly annoyed tone.

"I didn't bring any Trojans!"

"Oh, such idiotic prattle," Sebby smexxi god- chan giggled smexxily, "just as expected from my lovely bocchan. You have quite the way with words."

"Yes, I know my smexxi demon butler, but that still doesn't provide me with a solution to our protection problem," Ciel retorted.

"Oh well, I am Sebastian. I can participate in sexual encounters without the need of condoms or birth control."

"Really, wang face?" Ciel asked.

"I am the butler of the Phantomhive estate. Surely I can manage something as simple as this."

So then the lovers started to shag.

Mid-shag and panting and stuffz, the door bell rang obnoxiously. Loud. Yeah .

"Young master there seems to be someone at our door," Sebastian said as he continued to shag with Ciel.

"Whatever *pant* whoever it is, can *pant* just die or something," Ciel said nonchalantly, "Here, put some jelly on my arsehole."

"Let me help!"

"ACK! What the hell! Finnian! Stop! YOU'RE GOING TO RIP ME A NEW ONE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ANYWAYS!" Ciel yelled very retardedly.

"Well, I'm gender confused too, so I thought I'd join you!"

"Yeah, that's great and all," Ciel sighed somewhat regaining his composure, "but Sebastian and I were discussing business matters and the like."

"By shagging you mean?" Finny chan asked with eyes all sparkly. "May I join you too, I'm good in the sack with my shlong and stuffz yeah."

"Sure-"

"" NO!" Ciel interrupted Sebby chan the smexx god of animez, "Now get lost!"

"Yes sir!" Finny chan scurried away.

"Shall I get the door sir?"

"No, leave them be Sebastian. I'm not done with you yet!"

"Hai, sono o bocchan. Watashi akuma no shitsuji desu yo. Kitsune, tokee onegaishimasu," Sebastian refrained.

Then Ciel made a face like this :3…or maybe it was like this XD…no wait…like this :(…no…wait, it was THIS :. Yeah, that's it. Then he slapped Sebastian, "Speak English stupid!"

"Oh, sorry sir, I couldn't help it, after all, I'm one hell of a butler!"

"…yeah, whatev, just take me to the door," Ciel said as he put on his shirt and began to walk to the door.

"Young master! Wait!"

"You don't order me around!" Ciel said as he slapped the smexgod around some more, "I can do whatever I want, because I'm Ciel, and that means…that I'm in charge, or something like that."

So Ciel walked up to the door and opened it. Then a scream was heard from the unlucky/lucky person at said door.

"You forgot your pants, sir," Sebastian said with a chuckle.

"My, my, such vulgarity, something that my virgin eyes have never seen before," said person exclaimed while staring down at his brown penny loafers.

"Yeah, so who the hell are you?" Ciel asked rudely.

"I am Raito Kira Light Yagami," the young man replied, "and I am here to talk to you about the church I founded just last week."

"Leave, I'm not religious!" Ciel exclaimed as he spat at the young polished kira god smex pants dude on his front step.

"Why, young master, that is so rude, we should at least invite him in for afternoon tea of cherry blossoms and bbq sandwiches," Sebastian contributed.

"Liar, you just want to get in his pants Sebastian," Ciel accused.

"This is true," Sebby the smex god said as he sparkled and smexxed up the females and males on the premises.

"You have no shame!" Light kira yagami exclaimed in mock horror.

"Nope, not really," little Sebast said with the trace of a smile.

"…ummm…sooooo…are you…a guy or girl?" Light asked.

"Demon."

"Demon! Do you mean a shinigami? Wait, nevermind! I'm here to convert you! MWHAHAHAHAHAH!" Kira Light God Yagami said very evilly or something along those lines.

Ciel shot Light, "Get the hell off of my porch you freaky, murderous, suit wearing, girl friend stealing, potato chip eating, miniature tv buying, evil laughing, freak!"

"Ouch? That hurt me very much," Light said moronically.

"…," Ciel said as he watched Light reach for something inside his jacket.

"What are you doing idiot," Ciel asked with wary eyes searching the target.

"Writing down both of your names in my death note," Light replied nonchalantly.

"This won't take long girly," Raito teh smexxy god complex QT replied.

"I'm a bloke," Ciel informed.

"No way!" Raito exclaimed aghastly.

"It is true, young master is surely a bloke, I just shagged him after all," Sebby uttered with a glass of vodka in his mandible claw things, "His wang leaves something to be desired though."

"Tragic," Raito replied.

"Yes it truly is," Sebby chan sighed.

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here fools/1111/111!" CIel screamed and yelled and flailed.

"37…38…39…40! Die Biznatch and feel my judgement upon ur srry souuuullll/1!" Kira screamed.

Then Light Kira Raito Yagami smexxy face blew up. His guts flew everywhere. Sebby chan made his gutz into a bbq sandwhich.

"Yum, gutz are tasty Sebastian," Ciel said as he spit out a hairball and a black notebook labeled "Death Note ferrealz."

Somewhere at best buy:

"Okay, that'll be 42.50," A clerk said to Finny as he handed him the first season of lost.


End file.
